In the context of swinging, “couples” need not be married. In fact, we know that many of the couples who come to the club are married – they just don’t happen to be married to each other. That’s one of the reasons why we are VERY careful about who we send the newsletters out to.
The couple should, however, have at least a little history together and familiarity with each others’ emotional needs, and be comfortable approaching others as a “couple.” Complete strangers pretending to be a couple thrown into a room with lots of genuine couples will not have a good experience in terms of “belonging”. The general rule of thumb is that swinging works best when couples view swinging as an enhancement to their existing sexual relationship, rather than as a replacement for a failing one. Make no mistake about it – swinging, wife swapping, call it what you will – cannot save a doomed relationship or a failing marriage; in fact it is likely to exacerbate any problems by dragging a lot of previously hidden emotions and baggage to the surface.
The key to swinging as a couple is communication; good communication and lots of it. You need to be able to speak honestly and forthrightly with each other if you are going to take your relationship further in the life style. There are many, many different forms that swinging may take, and whichever one you choose is fine as long as you and your partner are clear about what you are doing and why.
Sex is a minefield of emotions and the pleasures that can be found in swinging can be reached only when both partners are sensitive to each others needs, and put their partner’s comfort first. Insensitivity, selfishness, and point scoring have no place in a relationship dedicated to the life style.
The other side to this is that there will always be another party, but there may never be another chance to salvage or repair a relationship damaged because someone forgot to treat their partner with sensitivity, honesty, and respect.
Let’s not forget that swinging is a SOCIAL activity. The process of meeting new people, striking up a conversation, having a drink, and getting to know someone at the club is not much different to meeting someone in a “normal” night club. OK, you might decide to have sex with the person within a short space of time and be in an environment which lends itself to doing just that but many people forget that, even through they are in a swinger club, the time honoured values of responsibility, respect, friendship, openness, honesty, and trust are even more important particularly in regard to the way in which you treat your partner.
As in every other sphere of human behaviour, you’ll probably find it easier to swing with people you’ve met before. Would you go dancing with people you’ve never met and feel instantly at home and comfortable with them? Probably not, and it’s got to be harder without your clothing right? So, get to the club and watch people. Observe the interactions between groups, get a feel for the behaviour, judge the type of conversations people are having. Perhaps come to the club a few times and simply observe the other people and stick to your own partner for a while. Once you “know the score” and you are able to fit into the group, approach people carefully and with courtesy; you’ll be accepted as “one of us” and the road in will be much easier.
Like all groups, swingers exhibit some tribal instincts. This can be apparent in the way people dress, the hairstyles, tattoos, and body jewellery, but it is more apparent in the language used. Put a load of computer programmers together and they speak a strange language of bytes and acronyms the majority of the population simply don’t understand. Sometimes this is deliberate – part of the “them and us” syndrome. City dealers do it and so do swingers. You’ll hear terms that are utterly incomprehensible but persevere, ask questions and you will receive answers; people like to show off the knowledge they have and the swinging community is a community of sharers.
You’ll hear people talk about “closed swinging” – this simply refers to a couple whodon’t watch each other have sex with other people. You’ll hear about “open swinging” where the partners have agreed not to have sex with someone else UNLESS the other partner is watching. You’ll hear of “soft swinging” – heavy petting without any penetration taking place apart from with their own partners. “Dogging” – being watched having sex in a car park surrounded by strangers who may be masturbating through the open window of the car. If you are asked to participate in something and you don’t know what the word means then ask for an explanation; it avoids misunderstandings and the tribal group sometimes forget that not everyone has learnt the language yet. If you are in any doubt then feel free to ask a member of staff (we’ve heard everything twice anyway!)
We recommend that you communicate with your partner before you come to the club. Find out what you are both prepared to do, how far you both want to push your boundaries. OK, the goal posts might move when you get here (by mutual agreement of course) but lay out some guideline markers so that if someone does ask you to participate, you’ll know in advance if it’s something you have specifically agreed NOT to do. If you’re asked to do something you, or your partner, are not 100% comfortable with then simply say NO. You can always talk about it later and say YES next time!
Many couples have hidden signals to communicate different feelings to their partner in a way which is invisible to the other person at their table. For example, we know of one lady who asks for a Cranberry Vodka Ice if she doesn’t fancy a bloke making a pass at her on a Friday Night. She hates the stuff – her partner likes it and gets the message when she orders a bottle. She is more comfortable doing this, her partner is able to sort an excuse out which doesn’t leave the unfancied guy feeling bad – and everyone is happy with the outcome. One couple who use the dark room regularly have an agreement that when the lady says “fag break” it means that she genuinely needs a rest. If she says “Can we go and have a cigarette?” her partner knows that someone is bothering her. This sort of stuff isn’t complicated but it can help to smooth possible difficulties and puts you firmly in control of any situation you find yourself in.
Dressing up is something that adds spice to the sex lives of many couples whether involved in the scene or not. How much nicer to flaunt the stunning new lingerie set in front of an audience of hundreds? We insist that gentlemen dress smartly – no jeans, trainers, or t-shirts, whilst ladies should be dressed as sexily as they wish. Yes, we’ve got a dress code, but the guiding principle is – are you comfortable. Try to dress in layers, something to socialise in, something deeper to dance in, something to play in. Think about jewellery and please try to make sure it has no sharp edges <grin>. If you are coming to a themed party please get into the spirit of the occasion and go with the theme. The swinging scene and clubs are NOT just about sex – they’re also about having fun. The themes are not compulsory but they are appreciated.
